


You Don`t Have To Be Alone

by Simply_A_Thought



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Dark Sides As Family (Sanders Sides), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Unsympathetic Light Sides (Sanders Sides), lets see how this works
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:09:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29778699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Simply_A_Thought/pseuds/Simply_A_Thought
Summary: Virgil couldn't take it anymore.All his life he never wanted anything more than to become a light side, to be able to protect Thomas, his host.But he never thought it would be like this.Everything he does all day was to stay in his room and avoid everyone else.But it will all change soon.Soon...
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	1. Prologue

_He does all that he should..._

Virgil sat alone in his room, listening to music. There were no windows and the room was hugged by the darkness. When was the last time he left it? Three days ago, for a video. He couldn't remember which one and didn't really care either. Virgil's eyes had long since adjusted to the pitch black surrounding him. That's how the youngest side could still see everything. Or most of it. Clothing laying in all the places they weren't supposed to be in, creating creepy silhouettes that would haunt his dreams. If Virgil would sleep, that is.

_...Why is he misunderstood?_

He should probably go outside and drink something. Virgil couldn't really die, since he wasn't alive in the first place. He was one of Thomas's sides, a creation of the mans fantasy. But Thomas; he was alive, he could die. Even though the sweet release was everything Virgil wanted right now, he would never let that happen. All Virgil ever wanted was to protect his host.

_This is the story 'bout a broken boy,_

Virgil might seem like the bad guy. The one that always destroys the good vibes. But that's not what he wants; it never was and never will be. It was never his intention to make everyone feel so much worse. Virgil just tells them the things no one else wants to say, so that they can consider all the possibilities, including the ones no one wants to deal with. So that they can be safe. Was that really such a bad thing to do? Apparently.

_With his headphones in just to block out the noise-_

Where the mind can wander when one gets bored. Virgil was just thinking about if he should get a cup of water or not and now he's overthinking his life. Not that that's something new. Virgil does that pretty often, he came to realize. The man couldn't control it, it just happens every now and then. Pretty often actually, he noticed. But at least he had something to think of, or else Virgil might have gone crazy alone in the dark of his room a long time ago.

_-Of everyone around him, telling him the way to go_

Now, where were we? Right. Water. Virgil doesn't really need it since he can't actually die, but not drinking enough doesn't feel exactly good. He can't die but it would always feel like he was. The constant feeling of dying. He already went this far and as much as he thought he deserved the suffering, a man can only take so much before giving in. His throat felt raw, the constant feeling of sandpaper inside of him following Virgil through his waking hours. This feeling growing in intensity every time he dared to breath.

_So he walks through the world alone._

He glanced at his phone to check the time, the sudden bright light blinding him like the burning sun, so Virgil was quick to squint his eyes until they adjusted once more. 2:17 am. None of the other traits should be awake by now. Or should he say already? Time was weird and a social construct, so why should Virgil care? Anyway, it should be safe to leave the secure darkness of his room. He sat up in his bed and looked around his room once more, as if it was the last time seeing his belongings.

_Wondering if it gets better,_

Virgil stood up and went over to his door. It was placed on the opposite side of his room so that he could look right at it from his bed. Next to the door was a desk with a few photos laying around. You could recognize a few stress toys and some lonely sheets of paper. The dark oak wood that cuts him off from the rest of Thomas's mind. That cuts him off from the other traits. A clean, silver door knob decorating it.

_Or if he's always gonna feel empty forever?_

Virgil reached for the knob, opening the door slowly, as if something horrible would happen should it be opened too fast or too loud. And just as slow as he opened the door, he took a quiet, single step forward. Virgil moved outside, his body even in swift movements that he learned over the years of silence.

_So he gets lost, tryna find another way back home..._

His room was next to Logan's, on the left side of the hallway. His and Logan's doors were of dark wood, though Logan's was mahogany instead of oak, and his name was written on it in a fancy royal blue. On the right side were Pattons and Romans rooms. The father figure had a door painted in baby blue, decorated with different kinds of stickers, varying in size and texture. Romans was white with his own beautiful, original paintings littering all over it. The long hallway that seemed to stretch endlessly, let to the kitchen and the common room. Every trait had their own bath behind an extra door in their room. Sadly, the sink water was terrible and really could only serve the purpose of cleaning, not drinking.

_...As he walks through the world alone._

The long stretching hallway always seemed to crush Virgil in some way. It was too enormous. The walls seemed to close in on him. His steps grew in pace as his ears started to ring. Why were they ringing? Just grab a glass, fill it with water, swallow and run back. Easy task.

_Who is he kidding? Surely not himself._

Finally, after a walk that seemed way too long for what it should have been, he reached the kitchen. The glass. The sink. The water. Virgil swallowed it quickly, wanting nothing more than to satisfy his senses that just screamed for attention, for the water, and chocked on it. That didn't stop him though. After days, the figurative sandpaper finally disappeared out of his throat and he could breath again.

_But sometimes he wonders if there's somebody else..._

Virgil drank it needy and after a few seconds already refilled his cup. He needed that. The second cup was downed way slower, finally at a normal pace. And after his dry throat was refreshed, Virgil quickly made his way back to his room. The man hoped he was as quiet as before, but he wasn't sure.

_...That takes the same road?_

The crushing feeling was gone as soon as Virgil was back in his safe place, closing the door behind him. It took more self control to not slam it shut than it should have. Virgil needed to rest now too. He hadn't in a long time. The eye shadow barely covered his eye bags anymore.

_But he'll never know,_

Virgil finally turned his music off and went to bed, laying down with a satisfied sigh, waiting for the darkness and nightmares to take over his mind and soul.

_'Cause he walks the world alone._


	2. Chapter 2

"Would you just let me do my thing!", Romans voice boomed powerfully over the previous conversation. The four sides were working on the script for a new video, together with their host. They had gathered in Thomas' living room, back in the real world. Everyone stood at their representative spots; that way they could all see and talk with each other.

All in all the script was really good, but Virgil pointed out a few minor details that not even Logan seemed to notice, or more likely care about for that matter. Roman got offended at how Virgil could talk so badly about his claimed Masterpiece. Patton tried to tell Roman that Virgil just wanted to help them out in order to defuse the heated argument, while Logan tried to explain to Virgil why these flaws weren't essentially necessary to point out. And Thomas... Thomas wanted them all to just stop arguing, calm down and talk. However, Romans voice made everyone shut their mouth and listen to the prince.

"Why do you always have to ruin the good things! No one needed to know that, it's not important! Nothing you ever say is!" Everyone was staring at him, eyes wide in surprised shock. They didn't expect such an outburst from Roman. Who appeared much more calm and collected in the real world more often than not.

"I just-" "No!" Roman cut Virgil off, a hand raised to symbolize the silencing. "Can't you just keep quiet for once so we can do our job and actually help Thomas!" Virgil went silent after the words had left the princes mouth, burning like acid through the younger`s mind. He wanted to apologize, to run away from this situation, to lock himself in his room and never come out to see the light ever again, consumed by the ever present darkness that loomed over his safe space. But Virgil knew it would give him too much attention. If he just disappeared right now, he would seem weird, maybe even suspicious of something. Of what exactly he wasn't sure, but they'd be mad, probably. So Virgil just lowered his head so far his eyes were completely covered by his bangs and kept quiet, just like Roman had told him to.

Said side took a deep breath before turning back to the matter at hand. "So, where were we?"

The rest of the sides looked at each other for a few seconds, all kinds of emotions bubbling inside of them. Logan joined Roman for the check up of the script after just a second to collect himself and his train of thoughts, while Thomas and Patton looked at Virgil in a mixture of worry and remorse, before slowly turning their attention back to the other two men working. Patton made a mental note to ask Virgil later if he was okay. And time went by faster then it seemed should be possible. After work was over and done with, the sides had some light chatter with Thomas, who seemed to have either forgotten or suppressed Romans outburst earlier. Patton however, looked over at Virgil once more. The man stood way behind them all. Staring. Waiting.

"What are you looking at, creep?" Roman asked, not really pleased with how the anxious side looked at him. In Romans eyes, it was wrong, judgmental. Virgil stared him right in the eyes with a cold, emotionless face, before sinking out. He was glad that this torture of more or less socializing was finally over.

Virgil always hated being outside of his room. In there he could do as he desired without the fear of getting criticized by the others. He could let his guard down more than anywhere else and finally relax a bit. It was his safe space, a peaceful anchor standing still in a sea of bursting emotions. He could have panic attacks that felt like bursting his lungs and cry for hours on end until his eyes were so red and puffy they might as well have been swollen, with his makeup ruined as if he was readying himself for a Halloween party, without the risk of anyone noticing. Virgil took the nearest object, which happened to be a squishy ball from his desk, and threw it at the other end of the room, where it collided and bounced right back, rolling until it came to a halt back by his feet.

A suppressed sob escaping Virgil's lips, even as he tried to press them together and shut himself up. Stupid stupid stupid. Virgil pressed his palms against his closed eyelids as he cursed himself for speaking his mind. After all, Virgil knew better than that, right? He should've known better. Why do I always have to ruin everything? He looked at his ceiling while slowly sliding down the door. Despite his best efforts, the inevitable tears managed to blurry Virgil's vision, making it even harder to see in the dark room. After some more seconds, the young side could feel a slight tingle on his cheek, implying that the tears started falling. A heart wrenching sob escaped his lips once more, as it shook his body to the core. More tears followed, some pulling his eyeshadow down with them, creating ugly stains and tear streaks.

Why couldn't I just hold my mouth? Just keep quiet for once!

\------------------------------------------------------

Virgil woke up with a sore throat. The memories of his many past failures came rushing back to haunt him last night. And it didn't end well. It never does. 

He needed to drink something, get the desert out of his throat. So the youngest side threw on the next best hoodie laying on the floor, which happened to be merch from 'The Nightmare before Christmas' and checked his face. Red eyes, red cheeks, eyeshadow stains all over his face. Nothing he couldn't fix with a bit of makeup.   
So after a few minutes Virgil seemed to be ready to leave his safe sanctuary.

The anxious trait pulled the hood over his head, giving him an unreasonable feeling of protection and then opened the door, being blinded by the bright light of the hallway, a heavy contrast to the darkness that was his room. A quiet sigh made its way past his lips, before he started setting one foot in front of the other and walking down the hall. He could hear people talking carelessly in another room, but Virgil couldn't make out who it was, the voices were too far away.

  
After a short while that felt like ages to Virgil, he finally reached the room of his desire and repeated the routine of his last visit. This time, after he finished, he looked at the fridge. Virgil knew he hadn't eaten in a while. How long was it? Four days? Or longer? He couldn't really tell. But the boy could hear and feel his stomach roar when he simply looked at the still closed fridge door. So Virgil did what was most logical to him. He looked away and went back to his room with a fast pace.  
Unlucky for him, he bumped into the person he would want to meet the least right now. Or ever, really. 

"Wow, the emo left his room."  
Virgil growled lowly, letting out a huff. He didn't want to fight right now, he just wanted to go back to his room in peace.  
"Oh what, you gonna bite me now? What are you, a dog?" Princey laughed about his terrible idea of a joke and looked at Virgil once more. 

"Man, you really need a few fashion tips from a pro. And Make-up tips."

"Like Who?"

"Like me", Roman grinned a little in pride.   
"Really, you should give yourself a makeover. One can barely look at...this" Roman made a vague gesture with his arms flailing around a little, pointing at basically anything on Virgil, from hair to toe. 

"No thanks." Virgil grumbled and put his lightly shaking hands in his pockets. He just wanted to go back to his room already.

"Hey, Anxiety." Roman was suddenly towering over Virgil, making the younger one seem even smaller than he already felt. There wasn't much of a height difference between them, maybe an inch, but with Virgil slouching in submission and Roman standing with all his confidence, it seemed like so much more. He gulped. 

"Yeah?" Against all he felt, through some form of miracle, his voice wasn`t wavering, though his mind raced. What did he do now?

"Don't ruin our fun again. You really are a pain in the butt sometimes- Urgh, all of the time. Just, next time, let the adults speak. We actually know how to help Thomas and don't ruin all he does so greatly. Seriously, I don't know how you can call yourself a light side."

Virgil froze. No. He wasn't the bad guy. He didn't- he didn't want to-  
Roman went past him, not without purposely bumping into his shoulder, and disappeared.   
Virgil just ran back to his room and locked himself once more.

\-----------------------------

No one checked on him last night. But he didn't really expected them to anyways. Virgil just had the secret oh so small hope his d- ...Patton would care enough to check. But he knew that this was silly. Why would someone care about him? Heck, he didn't even care himself! If it would be for him he would just sit in the corner with music and silently rot for the rest of his damned existence. But Virgil knew he couldn't do that. As much as he wished it to be that easy. He played a little with his hoodie sleeves.

  
What if someone saw? He couldn't imagine their reaction. No, that's a lie. He could imagine it just perfectly. The disgusted look on Romans face, the disappointment in Pattons eyes and the cold glare of Logan on him. They wouldn't tell Thomas. It wouldn't be important enough to tell Thomas. If he could die, and did, would they tell Thomas? Probably not.   
Virgil checked that his door was still locked and rolled up his right sleeve, arm covered in a bandage that had a few red stains seeping through. He should probably change it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah this is basically just me projecting onto Virgil back in 2019

Virgil took one last deep breath. He already decided to do it, now there's no turning back. He knew from the moment that he decided that maybe he should, that it would be hard. But who was he to decline a challenge? Maybe he should have thought this through.

His gaze landed on his hand a last time, before looking at what laid in front of him. And with a last determined nod to encourage himself, he knocked at the bright, baby blue door. Pattons door. After no response Virgil got worried. He slowly opened the door. "Patton?" The side was indeed there, seemingly searching something. Virgil let out a breath he didn't knew he was holding. Patton looked up from what he was doing and gave him a stressed smile. "Hey Kiddo" before returning to what he was doing. Virgil knew now wasn't the time but if he didn't ask now he would probably never.

"Patton, can... Can we talk? I-it's...important." Patton stopped what he was doing for a few seconds before continuing. He didn't even look up this time. "Sorry, but I'm pretty busy right now. Uh, why don't you ask Logan? I'm sure he'll help!" "Y-Yeah, Okay" Virgil looked down and left the room with quick feet. He didn't blame his Da- Patton. Patton, he didn't blame Patton; of course not. Virgil could clearly see that he had things to do and still was so selfish to interrupt him.

Virgil was on his way back to his room when he halted in his steps. Maybe he should ask Logan for help, like Patton wanted him to. After all he was the most logical side out of all of them. He might know how to help, even if he wasn't the best at emotions. Virgil nodded and went to Logan's room. He knocked at the dark blue door.

"Come in." With Virgil pushing the handle down, the door opened slowly in front of him. Logan was sitting on his bed, seemingly reading a book. As the door opened the side looked up, a surprised look on his face. "Anxiety, What are you doing here?" He put a book mark between the pages that had been open until now and put the book on his nightstand.

"I'm... not really feeling well and Patton told me to go ask you."

Logan adjusted his glasses so they rested perfectly on his face and looked at him.

"Can you tell me any symptoms for your not well being? Then I might be able to tell you what's wrong"

"It's...not physical" Virgil send a quick glance back at his arm. "...at least not completely."

Logan followed his eyes and understood completely. He sighed and adjusted his glasses once more.

"Listen, Anxiety, I know. But you're Anxiety. You're not supposed to feel good in this way. Shouldn't you've gotten used to it by now?" Virgil didn't know how to respond to that. _Was ha supposed to feel like that?_ That thought didn`t really sit right with him. But it was Logan who said that. Logan is always right. So it must be the truth then. Logan wasn`t one to lie, he said it himself that he didn`t see the logic behind those actions. Virgil just nodded in response, hiding his inner turmoil behind a carefully created mask.

He turned around and closed the door behind himself before sprinting back to his room. Is he really supposed to feel bad? To cry alone and die a little more inside, each time he sees the others laugh and joke together? He's supposed to do such things? Virgil closed his door and buried himself under his blankets. It was hot but he didn't mind that. He needed the feeling of protection that it provided right now.

They should have made a video together about an hour ago. Virgil decided not to go. They were better off without him. No one came to check or remind him anyways. But he didn't expect it in the first place. If they had the chance to do a video in peace without him, why wouldn't they take it? If Virgil was honest, he could totally see why. He would dodge his presence himself if he could. But he couldn't. So instead he just locked himself in this room. The room he felt most safe in. The room he knew better than himself. The room he always hides in. The room he got sick and tired of seeing.

He had to do something and he had to do it now. So without second thinking, Virgil grabbed his headphones and his phone and stormed out of this room he loved and hated the most. The side speedwalked through the hallways and past a few very confused sides before opening the front door. When was the last time he had been outside? It was so long he literally couldn't remember when he saw the green of nature the last time. To be honest, he missed it a bit. So he felt himself smile slightly when his hand touched the shiny doorknob. Freedom. Fresh air. Chirping birds and wind in his hair. All taken away before he could have it.

"Where do you think you're going?" Virgil groaned. He didn't even try to hide his annoyance by now. He knew he would regret it later and feel bad but right now, all he wanted was to go outside and leave the prison that he created for himself.

"I'm going for a walk" Logan frowned and furrowed his eyebrows slightly. The other two sides stood to his right. Patton almost looked a little proud. He was happy that Virgil seemingly started taking care of himself, even though he didn't quite understood Virgil`s sudden need to leave. Roman had the same look on his face as Logan. The only real difference between them was that you could see the confusion better and a slight look of anger and betrayal. Where did _those_ emotions come from now?

"One of us is coming with you." Patton and Virgil turned to look at Roman in surprise. Logan understood his way of thinking and nodded.

"I agree-"

"I want to go alone." Virgil insisted, voice almost sounding like a hiss. He really wanted to go outside but not with them. He wanted to be alone and enjoy the birds singing, the silence or his music. Anything but not one of the other sides babysitting him. The side didn't even know why they wanted to go with him so badly now.

"Nope. Pick one of us or go back to your emo cave." Virgil huffed over Romans comment and let his hand fall back down to his side in defeat, before sending them a last glare and turning around the corner. The young man wanted to just disappear. He didn't want to go back to his room. Right now he needed space, which he barely does. But he wanted to be with the sides even less.

"Why didn't you let him go?" Virgil's head shot up. That was Pattons voice and, apparently, the other wanted to hear the answer just as badly as him.

"You know, Anxiety was one of the dark sides. And since he still hinders Thomas in many ways, there is no telling if he would go back to them." That's definitely Logans voice. Wasn`t that man supposed to be smart or something? But Logan thought he would go back to the dark sides? After all he had done? Well, maybe it's especially because of that... He still messed up so many things.

"And if one of us would have gone with him, he probably wouldn't go to them. Guess I was right." Virgil could practically hear Romans smug smile in his voice.

Oh, he was _so_ going to sneak out this night.


End file.
